Though I know she will always be with me in my heart and mind, not having her by my side will be hard to deal with. No one Nor thing will ever compare to the special gift God blessed me with. My tears seam to be endless.

I am at a rest area just south of Dalton, Ga. It’s been seven days since Janine passed on. The knot in my throat and the water in my eyes are always there just waiting to burst into tears and moans when I can’t control them. This is the first time I have had the courage to sit and document my thoughts and feelings. I really don’t want to do it. But I have been avoiding facing the inevitable fact that I have to get these emotions out. In a way it’s like talking to someone who understands. I realize there is no one who could understand but me. Maybe by writing down and reading it I will feel as though that person writing this is not me and he can relate to me. It sounds psychotic. Talking to myself and expecting an answer.

Christina described Janine’s’ last moments quite well. I remember it was hard to watch Janine. I kept getting up and going into the other room and then back by her side. I had been encouraging her for weeks to be strong and “STAND”. I didn’t want to cry in front of her and then I just knew I had to stay by her side. I knelt by her side, Christina on her other side, Michelle at her feet, and I holding her hand. As she paused between breaths I softly touched her face and then another breath she would take. I knew it was the end. I remember whispering or maybe I didn’t even verbalize it, but I told her it was ok now “You did it right.” She took two more slow breaths. It seemed like they took forever. And then she was gone. At first I didn’t want to believe it. I checked her pulse, and then put my ear to her chest. There was no movement, no sound of that once strong heart. It was over. She was gone. MY JANINE WAS GONE. I finally cried in front of her lifeless body. Christina had it right. The sense of relief was overwhelming. But the feeling of loss was paralyzing.